Diagnosis: Infertile

March 2019: Diagnosis: Infertile

Hearing those words hit harder than any Endo flare or ruptured cyst pain. Even though I knew it was always a possibility, I still was not expecting to see those words on my medical records. For 11 years I have been doing everything I could to keep my body as healthy as possible so when the time came to try to have a baby my body would be ready.

I detoxed from birth control, did acupuncture routinely, took fertility boosting supplements, exercised and ate well. But now I am regretting not freezing my eggs when I first found out I had endometriosis and that I may have trouble in the future. I’ve been very vocal that IVF is not something I will be going through, but maybe if I would’ve froze my eggs when I was 20 I might be rethinking that option. At that time I was already having multiple cysts on my ovaries and pain daily. After years of holistic healing, and acupuncture my cycles were always on time, I could feel my ovulation, and then boom as soon as we started trying my cycle went off the chart. A few weeks late here and there no more feeling ovulation, tender boobs, bloating and shorter periods. After having the Ava bracelet for a few months it became clear to me based off my stats that something wasn’t right. SO I scheduled a consult with my OBGYN, and because we know I have endometriosis I did not need to wait the typical year of trying before we start doing tests.

After the consult and explaining what had been going on my doctor agreed right away to start testing, and to test for everything. Since was on day 2 of my cycle I was able to start testing right away. I went in the next day for an FSH( Follicle stimulating hormone) and thyroid test as well as some other lab panels. Due to my endometriosis we wanted to be able to rule out blocked tubes so and HSG (hysterosalpingogram) was also scheduled. The HSG test is when they inject a radio-opaque into my cervix and an x-ray is done to see where the fluid goes. It is possible that this procedure alone can increase fertility because it could be pushing out small adhesions or blockages. I have had multiple ultrasounds, vaginal and abdominal and I’ve had many male OBGYNs before, but this test was the most awkward one yet due to the dye they inject and having to move while I had a catheter inside my cervix. It wasn’t painful per say, but I did have some slight cramping after.

The results from my thyroid and FSH were WNL (within normal limits) which is a good sign, that means I am growing follicles (potential eggs) and that my thyroid is not affecting my cycle. My HSG test came back clear as in my tubes are not blocked, or if there was a slight blockage it has been cleared. We tested my progesterone after “ovulation” and it was at 5.34mg which indicated that I most likely did not ovulate, this coincided with what my Ava app was indicating.

This news was again devastating to me. Why am I not ovulating? Why is my body failing me. What did I do wrong. This news has affected everything about me and I am finally able to talk about this months later. It has totally consumed me, lead me into a deep depression. It’s been hard for me to discuss and I’ve never felt more alone. As much as my husband tries to be there for me, he can’t fix the problem, nor can he just fix me. My depression has affected and strained multiple of my friendships because I am not myself, even though I am trying just to keep my head above water. I understand that not all my friends understand emotionally how this has affected me, but I can’t just snap out of it. I am a happy, energetic girl and its been a struggle just to get through the day. I can not hear, “Don’t stress, it’ll happen when it happens” or “It’s totally normal not to ovulate”. First of all both those statements are a slap in the face, if I could control my stress or my ovulation I wouldn’t be in this situation and also telling me to not do something or not think about it isn’t really going to make me stop thinking about it. I know your heart is in the right place, but please just let me vent and talk this out. I don’t need you to fix this, I just need a friend I can cry on their shoulder to. For me this is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, not my ovarian cysts bursting every week, not endometriosis flares that left me paralyzed on the floor, not recovering from surgery with no pain meds, not being raped by an ex boyfriend, not being kicked in the stomach by a horse, or waking up from a car accident not knowing if the love of my life is alive or dead, or having a seizure. THIS IS MY HELL.

We are all put on this earth for a purpose, I’ve known for years mine was to be a mother. I will become a mother, I’m already a fur mama to the best little pup ever. I can’t wait to give him a sibling one day. I’ve been coping with this news by putting my heart and soul into my new business and blog. Life Outside Leggings is where I have let my guard down. I am baring it all, my heart, my soul, my love handles. I am thankful for the timing because I was able to distract myself some days and just put my head down and work.

My OBGYN respects my decisions to do things naturally so he increased my Vitex, told me to take a month off of trying and go to acupuncture more. I let my acupuncturist know what was going on and what the tests had revealed, she started right into research to see what can we do naturally. My sister in love was my previous acupuncturist and originally put me on some herbs so we increased those ones as well. We are trying to treat the root of the issue rather than the symptoms. I will keep you updated on this path. And if you know someone who is dealing with infertility of any kind, give them a hug, I mean a big real hug. They need it more than they will tell you.

If you have any great natural remedies, or suggestions of how to get a cycle back on track I’m all ears. If you just wish to sprinkle baby dust on us we are all for it. I appreciate each and every one of you who have reached out and respected me when I said I wasn’t ready to share. During this time I’ve never hit such a low and was not okay. I am slowly getting back to myself and feeling more like me. Love you, mean it