Infertility. It fucking sucks

Yes, I said it. Infertility fucking sucks! I’ve not been quiet about my journey to motherhood, or how much we’ve been struggling trying to expand our family by 2 feet. I’m normally a very happy and positive person and this journey has thrown me for a loop. Most days I am good, I know one day I will be holding my beautiful child in my arms. Other days I can’t leave my bed or face the world. I know everyone keeps saying, it’ll happen when it happens, well I personally hate hearing that, I want it to happen now, I’ve wanted it to happen every day for years. Becoming a mother means everything to me, and I know I won’t feel whole until I do.

This post is for every person who has the desire to become a parent and has had a struggle. I am here for you, I respect your journey and your decisions, just like I hope you respect my choices. Trying to conceive has forever changed me as a person, it has strengthened my marriage, has brought new friendships into my life, and has put a strain and distance on older friendships. I am here to tell you that there is no other way to describe this journey other than it fucking sucks, but it will be worth it when we are holding our sweet babe in our arms.

I’m not afraid or ashamed of sharing what I am going through, and that we have chosen not to jump straight to IVF. I am working with a local naturopathic medical doctor to get to the source of my infertility issues. Everything I’ve been tested for has came back normal except for one month I did not ovulate (lab test confirmed) and then I’ve been ovulating ever since but my cycle lengths have ranged. I have hormonal acne which was my biggest sign to myself that something wasn’t right. So now that all my tests with my OBGYN have been normal, I sought out to my NMD so we can do more specific tests and adjust my supplements to get my hormones back on track and boost my fertility. I will be sharing those on another post.

Whether you are new into this journey, or you are 5-10 years deep. Every day, every cycle brings upon a wave of emotions. We start with the positive and excited phase, a new cycle, a new chance of this being our month. Then comes the waiting game, where we start over analyzing everything, was that implantation, am I nauseous, the list goes on and on. The the worst part, the negative pregnancy tests and then the period. Those emotions can vary from grief, guilt, total despair and depression, to even staying hopeful.

Some months that negative pregnancy test doesn’t phase me and I am hopeful for next month. Some months I am on the bathroom floor bawling cursing my body for not working right and wondering why I am being punished when my husband and I have been through enough struggles.

And what about those who have been lucky enough to get pregnant, only to have it ripped away. It fucking sucks too, we blame ourselves even though it was not in our control. For moments of time, our world has stopped. We are numb, we don’t know how to function or even try to find a way just to be.

So what is worse, continually getting that negative pregnancy test, the period, or having everything taken away from you? ALL OF IT. None of it makes you feel better or worse. The whole thing fucking sucks. It is gut wrenching when we are trying to do everything right and it isn’t good enough. Especially when we are surrounded by what seems to be everyone being fertile myrtle. Don’t get me wrong we are so happy for everyone who is excited for their pregnancy no matter if they just started trying or have been in the trenches a long with us. But we are allowed to feel and express every emotion we feel when we feel it. This is something I am working through right now. I am no longer holding in my emotions, and yes my husband has had to pick me off the bathroom floor because I couldn’t stop crying. He has cried with me, held me as I couldn’t stop shaking, because this journey feels so unfair. IT SUCKS!

I started this blog as an outlet, to get my mind off this journey, but it has been the most asked for topic. I love my fashion, beauty, and health posts and they’ve helped kept me sane. But writing about my journey has been therapeutic for me. It allows me to let out every emotion without the fear of being judged, I’m able to work through my anger, my grief knowing I am not alone. I have decided to share everything because that is what feels right to me, and knowing I am blessed to have a platform that can share these struggles and connect with other women who are going through similar stories as I am makes my vulnerability worth it. These posts take me awhile, because they are personal, and emotional. Sometimes it takes me awhile to process some information I receive from medical doctors.

I am praying for all of you going though this, I am sending you baby dust daily. I am sending your love ones compassion and grace because some days we need that. Know that you are not alone, you are worthy, and that you are loved.