This is a post I was hoping I would never have to write, my life after miscarriage. I never wanted to be part of this club, but here I am. One in Four, knowing that it is so common doesn’t make it easier, or even comforting. I wish no one ever has to go through this pain and hardship ever again. I don’t care if you were pregnant for 1 day, 9 months, or your baby graduated high school. Having your baby taken from you is hell, and no amount of time makes any of it feel better. This isn’t a how I found the positive post, it may even be a trigger for those who have gone through the heartache. But this is the truth, and this is real life. Its not always sunshine and unicorns. This is a post for anyone who has ever lost their baby, I am praying for you, I am here for you, and I’m sprinkling baby dust all over us.
A lot of people have been asking me how I am doing since my world crashed down in August. Well as the saying goes “Life must go on”. The sun rises and sets, work needs to be done, bills be paid. But just because life must go on doesn’t mean that my life is full of sunshine and happiness, or even being positive 24/7. It’s okay, to not be okay.
I have good days and bad days. Some days it is like it was just a dream, and I am ok, I am positive, happy, and looking forward to my future. I was recently told by a friend that she doesn’t know how I am always so positive, truth is I have to be, I have to keep fighting to see the good, to see the future I have always dreamed of. I am fighting every day to keep my head above water and to manifest the future of our family I’ve been dreaming of since I met Matt. Most days I know one day we will have our rainbow baby, but somedays I can never understand why not now.
Then there are the dark days, the days where I can’t stop crying, the days I don’t see out of this journey. That I will never have my baby. These are the days where my world goes dark, I can’t work, I can’t think, hell I can barely focus on a TV show. These are the days I am lucky to say are few and far between. I am giving myself grace, I am allowing myself to feel each feeling. It is ok to mourn, it is okay to shut down, it is ok to give up, it is ok to go buy yourself flowers, self care, retail therapy, whatever you think you need. No one can tell you how to grieve.
Some weird things I’ve experienced since my miscarriage is that I am very self conscious of my stomach showing, or even being touched. I am so thankful for the high-waisted trend right now, even my Pj pants are worn high waisted. It is my way of protecting my womb. I’m extremely emotional, and a lot more quiet. I’m normally a very bubbly person, and outgoing. But now I find any excuse to stay home and not leave my couch. I am very content just spending my time on my couch with my boys. I know one day I will no longer blame myself even though I did not cause this. This is part of my healing.
After my miscarriage I was numb, it took me days to just to be able to say the words “miscarriage”. I didn’t know what to do, or how to heal. I turned to eastern medicine and had some energy work done, my body finally dealt with the emotion, I cried so much, I even caught a “cold” although it was the easiest cold I ever had, I knew it was my body ridding of all the built up negative energy. I will never claim to say I deal with tragedy well, I’m awkward, I always say the wrong things, I get quiet and I want to be alone.
In true grieving fashion, we turned to retail therapy, most people just go on a little shopping spree. Well we decided a new house would fill this void. A new home felt like what we needed, a fresh start, a home that there wasn’t pain, and sadness. The house we decided to purchase, was the house that brought us out to Estrella Mountain Ranch in the first place. I was not fond of the specific neighborhood, but I loved that house. After having some time to really deal with things and listen to the universe. We realized that this was not the right step for us. We are both believer in signs and there were multiple things that we were ignoring just to buy the house. So we canceled the check a few weeks ago, and we are glad we made that decision.
If you know the story of how Bentley became part of our family then this is a repeat. But for those of you who don’t know, Over 10 years ago I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, is a painful disorder where the endometrial tissue grows outside of the uterus and can cause infertility. You can read more about endometriosis here. My Obgyn at the time let me know that if I waited then I could have a hard time getting pregnant. I adopted Bentley as being a single mother at 22 was not the right decision for me. Bentley has been my child and first born since I first met him.
We had also been talking about getting a puppy for a long time, we’ve always wanted to get Bentley a friend, but there it was never “the right time”. After our loss we looked for local Rhodesian Ridgeback breeders, and low and behold there was a litter that just had puppies. It was meant to be. We knew we always wanted a boy, so we were third on the list, and he was the perfect fit for our family. I know that a puppy is not a baby, but our little boy is helping our hearts get bigger, our lives happier, and our smiles coming back to our faces. Little Roscoe came into our lives at the right time, he is a spitfire, a love bug, and full of energy. I can not wait until he is old enough to go on walks, but I will be sad when he gets too big to fit in my lap, or too heavy for me to hold him. But for now, he is filling the baby void in my heart, and my arms. Yes he loves to be held like a baby. He has taken away the pressure of having a baby, or maybe that is just lack of sleep I am having that I just don’t realize it.
So where are we on the baby making train, we are not, not trying. I am aware of my fertile window and have been testing out a new tracking device, which I will be sharing soon. We shall see what the future holds. We would be more than thrilled to be pregnant right now, but I am ok with taking some time off of tracking, scheduling sex, and getting my blood work done all the time. I am seeing a naturopath and working on healing my body, my whole body and mind.
This post was to let you guys know what has been going on, so in short, some days are good, some days are sad. And some days are filled with puppy zooms. Right now, my heart is full, and I love my family of 4, but we will always be open to it expanding, but it’s okay that for now its just Matt, me and the dogs.
If you are going through the pain of a miscarriage, please know it was not your fault, and you are loved. My heart aches for you, tears flow from me as well. As hard as it is, let us keep manifesting our future rainbow baby in our arms.
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