Miscarriage

They say every pregnancy is different.

Well so is every miscarriage. This early pregnancy loss I knew in advance, even before my doctor knew. Our lab e-mails me directly. What is weird, is I didn’t cry much at first. My last miscarriage I was thrown straight into a depression, My eyes were swollen for weeks because I was crying non stop. I am also now in a new club, I am 1 in 100, that has recurrent miscarriages. I honestly did not think I would have three in a row, three of my babies did not make it. Especially after the stats showing that the chance of another miscarriage when conceiving within 3 months is so low. We are beyond lucky that we conceived our first cycle post miscarriage, but now we face the issue of staying pregnant.

This time I am mad, mad at the corona virus for making it such a scary time to be pregnant and miscarrying. Mad that I never got to see my baby on an ultrasound screen. Mad that I had to scoop my baby out of the toilet so we can test the remains.

I chose to miscarry at home, due to the pandemic I felt that it was best if I stayed home instead of putting myself and medical staff at risk. I’ve been told of horror stories of miscarriages from people who were at the same point in their pregnancies of it being the worst thing they went through. Due to my history of endometriosis and burst ovarian cysts, I knew this could be very painful. I’ll be honest, I did not have intense cramps, just slight pressure and the bleeding was not as bad as I expected. I was hoping this was a sign that the lab tests were wrong. That our baby was still growing and the lab made a mistake. 

After the bleeding had stopped after 4 days I went in for lab work, and to bring in the remains. Unfortunately there were not enough of the remains to be tested. So we can not know what happened during this specific pregnancy. My doctor is running labs to see if I have a clotting disorder, and we will be doing genetic testing, as I do not have any fibroids or any other issues. While I was waiting to see my doctor I could hear an ultrasound being done in the next room. And I could hear their babies heartbeat. Hearing a babies heartbeat is the best sound in the world. It reminded me that although my baby does not have a heartbeat, my heart is still beating and one day our babies heartbeat will fill our ears.

I had already started on progesterone prior to getting the BFP, this was recommended by my ND and my OBGYN. Unfortunately the additional progesterone was not enough to save this pregnancy. So as of right now we are back to square one and not changing any of my supplements or protocol. We are considering adding in baby aspirin after I get pregnant again but we are waiting on the test results before we make that decision. We will continue to try to get pregnant again, and hopefully will be blessed with a bundle of joy in 2021. Our hearts are still hurting, but we have not lost hope #hopeisnotcancelled

We will continue to honor our babies, talk to them daily, and one day we will plant citrus trees in honor of them. Our babies may not of graced this earth, but they’ve graced our hearts and will never be forgotten.