If you are new here, after 3 years of TTC we had a missed miscarriage in August, and then we got our BFP just before 4 weeks in November. I had been having symptoms since the week prior, but I just thought it was from lack of sleep of having a brand new puppy. For 9 weeks I carried my sweet baby, I had all the symptoms, nausea, vomiting, extreme tiredness, some cramping, headaches, food aversions. My symptoms were strong so I wasn’t too nervous, I thought baby K was growing and thriving.
At 8 weeks I started having some spotting, it was brown and I immediately called my doctor because Google IS NOT YOUR DOCTOR, after the nurse told me it was normal it eased my mind for the next few hours. Then I got a pit in my stomach at 10am, a little while later I asked my insta fam how many people had bleeding during pregnancy, I was amazed how many people had bleeding, some weekly up until their second trimester and everything was fine. Matt stayed positive because the nurse was so thrilled that I had brown discharge. But when I started seeing red blood and having some cramps, not much but a little different than what I had prior experienced I called my doctor again, I’m not sure if it was because it was my second call in 24 hours, or the fear she heard in my voice but they had me come right in. Matt held my had as the technician found our baby, but we could both visibly see that our sweet baby no longer had a heartbeat. The world got quiet, even though my phone wouldn’t stop buzzing as she told us she was going to have the doctor come in to repeat the ultrasound. We both knew he was not going to find a heartbeat, but we were trying to stay hopeful. After he located the baby, and double checked what we already knew, our hearts were broken by the words “I’m sorry, but we didn’t make it.” It’s almost like the world stopped in this moment, I don’t remember much of what my doctor saying, I just couldn’t believe it, how could I go from being pregnant and seeing the heartbeat not even a week prior, to being told I am miscarrying.
Having a miscarriage is one of the most earth shattering feelings in the world. Wether you were 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 20 weeks, or any. It is absolutely devastating and you feel so isolated. And hearing that you are now part of this secret club that you never wanted to be part of, can make you angry, it can isolate you from your friends that you’ve known forever. Knowing that you are #1in4 doesn’t make you feel better, it makes it hurt more, that so many women have gone through this devastation, yet not one talks about it.
I started this blog bring to light the things we should talk about, not pretend does not exist. Miscarriage is real, it is filled with emotions, and not pretty ones. And there are things that NO ONE talks about after having a miscarriage and I think it is time to talk about them. It’s ok to share things that are not pretty. I’m over the silence of this topic, I’m not one to shove my feelings under a rug and pretend everything is fine. It’s not, I’m not ok, its been over a month and I’m still not ok, I’m sad, I’m not angry, I’m just confused how my life changed so fast. After sharing that we lost our baby I was absolutely floored with how many women came forward and shared their story with me, some had never told anyone outside their family. Knowing how hurt they still was devastating. One thing I’ve realized since the day I found out that my baby’s heart stopped beating was it was more than just grieving I was going to be going through, because thats all I was expecting. I was not expecting all the things that happened after a miscarriage.
I wasn’t expecting my hair to fall out, I was honestly shocked when I washed my hair and a chunk of my hair came out. I’ve always had a bunch of hair and normally it sheds, but this was about 4x the amount of normal. My whole hand was full of hair. This wasn’t breakage either, surprisingly my hair is super healthy. I’m not kidding when I said I lost hair, like clumps. I also had just bought new hair brushes and after brushing my hair that same day, and they were full. Hormones are CRAZY. All I can say is thank goodness for extensions because I needed some fullness back ASAP. I didn’t take a photo of all the hair, I should’ve. But here is me back with some fullness and a few inches of length. Thank you Shamika from Glam Ave for giving me my pregnancy hair back.
Another thing I was not expecting was that I was still having positive pregnancy tests. I had a positive pregnancy test the day we found out our baby no longer had a heart beat. I still had a positive pregnancy test the day of my D&C, which was a week after I found out our baby’s heart stopped beating. That was shocking to me, how was that possible, how could my body still think I was pregnant. I did not test after the surgery as mentally I didn’t want to torture myself. Some people told me they had a positive test weeks after their miscarriage, that hurts my heart so much.
Pregnancy Symptoms, most of my pregnancy symptoms lasted a week after my D&C, my sense of smell is still sharp as a tack and I hate it because honestly, the world stinks. This is just a PSA, use less perfume/cologne, no one needs to smell you down the hall. I was still having morning sickness, and my boobs were so tender a week after my D&C, and my aversions to alcohol and carbs were still super strong a week after my surgery. I never expected that, no one talks about that. Honestly I still find myself holding my stomach, even though it is shrinking instead of getting bigger. My boobs have deflated a bit and I can finally wear a normal sports bra, instead of my super supportive one.
Another thing I didn’t know was that you can ovulate after a miscarriage prior to getting your cycle back. I am still shocked that I can pregnant again so fast, and No we are not pregnant again, but I just didn’t know it could happen so fast. We are being advised by our doctor to wait until after I get my cycle to start trying again.
Also what no one talks about after a miscarriage is how weird sex can feel, like it feels weird. Maybe it is because I had a D&C, Dilation and curettage, but it just felt weird the first time. Emotionally it was weird as well. It is the first time in 3 years we weren’t really trying to make a baby out of this. I know I’ve been emotionally guarded and distant because that is how I heal, but sex after loss is different. It is emotional, it is comforting, it is reconnecting, it is part of healing. I just was not prepared for how different it would feel, physically or emotionally. Like everything else, I know these are not permanent feelings, but it is part of the wave I’m currently riding and trying to navigate.
I asked people’s experience with D&C prior to me having one, I had some time as my doctor was out of town the day after we found out until the day I had surgery. But one thing no one mentioned was how many times I would have to repeat “My baby died”, or “I had a miscarriage” the day of surgery. I was there for a D&C, but I never expected to have to give a more detailed answer every time. Having to repeat it to staff the whole time made the experience hell. Not that I was expecting it to be a good time, But it emotionally broke me, I couldn’t speak to anyone really for days later. It’s almost like I have PTSD from the experience. I chose surgery as my option thinking it would be best for me emotionally, physically I knew I could handle anything, but my heart was still so fragile.
I’ve been going through most of the “stages” of grief, depression has been the most prominent has been depression, for about 3 weeks after I didn’t do much other than watch Boy Meets World on Disney +. I didn’t want to really talk to anyone, or go out in public. My first real time in public was actually quite dramatic. The first time I had been alone in public since everything was Christmas eve, I ran into the store to get some food because most everything would be closed, so I needed something for Matt to cook for us. I was checking out in a store in a city I knew no one. A clerk ran up to my cart looking in it and asked where the baby was, I was already holding back tears because Christmas was going to be so hard without our bean brewing. I just turned my head and kept telling myself, she is mistaking me for someone else, it’s ok, it’s ok. Then the clerk goes, But really where is your baby. I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, they came out so fast. I know they meant no harm, but that is what I’ve been wondering, where is my baby, he is no longer in my womb where I was trying to keep him safe.
Along with depression, I now have major anxiety, especially being in public. I hate crying in public, and my emotions are at an all time high, one minute I’m fine, the next minute the tears start falling. Crying in public gives me anxiety, and it is also a big reason I’ve been so absent on my instagram/instagram stories. Anxiety that I won’t ever be happy again, Anxiety that I won’t be thrilled the next time I get pregnant, anxiety that I’ll be stressing every day until birth. I also have guilt. Guilt that I got pregnant while so many others haven’t had a BFP. Guilt that I couldn’t keep my baby safe. Guilt that our genetics were the reason our baby didn’t make it.
These are all normal feelings to be experiencing, and I will be seeking help that my doctor recommend because I want to be jumping up and down with excitement the next time I find out we are pregnant. I am thankful my doctor had a follow up appointment after surgery, not to really check my out physically, but emotionally. Most doctors don’t do that, and they should. Our emotional health is just as important as our physical health.
What also is weird is that many people expect me to not want to celebrate others pregnancies, or be around babies. It is the exact opposite for me. See pregnant ladies makes me so excited that one day I’ll be having to lug my big bump around town. And seeing babies makes my heart so warm. I’ve always wanted to be a mother and nothing will change that. And just because my heart is breaking doesn’t mean my heart has turned to stone, I think I’m even more excited and happy for healthy pregnancies. It truly is a MIRACLE. I know not everyone feels this way, But I was excited knowing that after New Years there would be a flood of announcements for July babies, I would go through hashtags just so I could congratulate each one, because I am so happy to know their babies are thriving, and I send every pregnant mom strong vibes daily. I will always be the hype girl to anyone trying. I want you to get pregnant as much as you do, I want to see you holding your sweet babe in your arms.
People act like after a miscarriage everything goes back to normal. For some it did, they went back to work, and didn’t talk about why they were gone. Well it didn’t for me. We shared our news publicly, and I wouldn’t take that back for a minute, I do wish the happiest post on my instagram wasn’t on the same line as the worst day, but it is. That is part of life, and it is part of why I shared. The amount of people who have reached out to me telling me that they are thankful for my strength to share my pain has helped them. They’ve sent my previous miscarriage blog post to people to share the words that have been hard for them to say. Or that my instagram @lifeoutsideleggings has spoken to them. That is why I share, so others don’t feel alone. You are not alone, I am here with you, we are navigating this road together. But you may need more than just a community of support, if you are really struggling do not hesitate to seek out medical attention of someone who is qualified in this sense. You can contact a grief counselor, or a therapist. Terms to look for are pregnancy loss support, or baby loss support, and miscarriage support. My doctor gave me The Supportive Mama’s contact if I needed it. Here is her website and e-mail: Jackie@thesupportivemama.com, she is a Fertility Support Coach.
Life is still weird, some days I have energy and I’m happy and smiling, other days it is like the news just happened. I know this is normal and I am smiling more days than I am crying, and that is progress. I can tell you one thing, I can’t wait to be pregnant again, I loved creating and carrying life. I loved every moment of it, and I can’t wait to carry our next baby to term and hold that sweet love of our lives in our arms. Our rainbow baby is coming.
“It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean the storm never happened, or that we are not still dealing with it’s aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope.” -Unknown
As far as when we will share our next pregnancy with you guys, I’m not sure. I know we will want to tell our families first again, and then we will share the news when it feels right. I am thankful that no matter what you guys have been so supportive of us. We love each and every one of you for that. I would love for you to follow along with our journey, not only trying to conceive after loss, but I share fun fashion finds, home decor, and more on instagram: @lifeoutsideleggings
The day your heart stopped beating, was the day my heart broke in two, and I don’t know how to put it back together again. -Cahill Koljonen
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