What not to say to a friend struggling with infertility

I know you are like Girl! I already know what to say to her. Well these are things I want to share of how maybe to reword that question so it doesn’t bring your sweet friend to tears.

Opening up my journey on social media and through this blog means I open myself up for a lot of unsolicited advice and comments. I get to choose how much of my journey I share publicly and respect what my husband wants to keep between us. I chose to voice what is going on with me in hopes to touch and help one girl who is going through and allow her to feel less alone. Not every fertility path goes the same direction. And I’m here to speak about the other path. These are all things my good friends have said to me, and I have said before to friends before going on this journey.

First of all, we know where your heart is, and you are coming from love. But words do hurt, and questions can come off wrong, we are already going through something that is very emotional for us. We don’t need to feel like our friends are against us right now.

Please, please, please whatever you do, DO NOT ASK HER IF SHE GOT HER PERIOD. We don’t need a reminder that our body is literally mourning the loss of our non-existent pregnancy by bleeding out currently. Also the cramps and the crazy hormones is not the best combo.

Also don’t ask her if she saw so and so’s pregnancy announcement. She probably has, she said her congratulations, even though her heart is crumbling because she wish it was hers. She doesn’t need a reminder, or that gossip sesh.

Don’t ask when she is starting IVF- First of all IVF is very expensive out of pocket, it is on average about $12,000 per cycle, before meds. Some insurances do cover portions of IVF, so the cost can vary. But that is a lot of money to be spending for a 20-35% chance of success. Fertility journeys are emotional, and so is IVF. It can strain a relationship, not just for finances, but also their emotional and sexual connection. And with the low success rate and adding all those additional hormones, home girl is going to be on an emotional, painful rollercoaster. There is also an ethical standpoint of if it is not happening in nature, it shouldn’t be forced.

Don’t ask why she hasn’t started IVF- I have personally chosen, with consultations with multiple doctors that IVF will never be an option for me. I do not need to inject my body with hormones and other medications to potentially disrupt my already unbalanced hormones. For me IVF is not an option, it is not helping me find out why my body is unbalanced and not conceiving. Which in my opinion should be the goal before IVF. I understand for some IVF is a great option and helps them conceive their miracle baby, but isn’t anyone curious why so many men and women are having issues in their reproductive area? This is a very personal decision that we have weighed out, after lots of research, speaking to doctors, speaking to our accountant, and also our partner of what is the best decision for us as a couple.

Don’t tell me I can just adopt, again adoption is expensive, and just as heart wrenching. We could spend years searching for our “baby” and fly out to meet them and take the risk that the mother decides that she wants to keep her baby. That is a very big risk that we will take, time and time again if we chose that route. Again this is a very personal decision that we have made together, but adoption might not be the best decision for us for many reasons.

Don’t tell me it’ll work out when I find a new doctor. First of all, we’ve already consulted Dr. Google, been in every forum. Looked at every review for every potential specialist. Even with the best doctor, that doesn’t mean they will be able to figure out what is going on, or we are agreeing on the right protocol and plan.

Don’t tell her not to stress, Or to not think about it. Honestly we just want to slap you for this one. I can guarantee you we have tried mediation, wine, yoga, silence to help “destress” us, but this is an all consuming thing for us. Also its not that easy to destress, we are living in reality here, there is lots of stress around us, and going through fertility issues increases that. So we know you meant well, but we can live without hearing that from one more person. And have you ever tried to not think about something. It’s all we will now think think about. As much as we would love to we just can’t turn our brains off.

Don’t tell me it is going to be ok. I know your heart is in the right place here, but in reality, it might not be. I understand the importance of being positive, but the wording here is what triggers us. It would be to say, I can understand how hard it must be to stay positive right now, But I am keeping you in my thoughts. Also by you saying it’ll be ok, it comes across as don’t feel your feelings. It’s okay for us to be sad, upset, or confused. For us to process this information we need to go through stages.

Fertility is the most emotional struggle I’ve even endured. Each month when I read that negative pregnancy test and then my period comes I feel less and less like a woman. My body is meant to reproduce, that is one of its main functions. And since it is not happening I feel like my body is failing me.

What to say: How are you feeling? How are you doing? What’s new? All these things are great intros to allow us to open up into the answer that you are wondering. Believe me if we are open to sharing about our struggle this month we will, but please respect us if we don’t. Sometimes we just aren’t ready to open that can of worms. But when we do open that can, please just be there for us, we don’t need you to fix the problem (our husbands are already trying to do that), we don’t need you to tell us what your friend did to get pregnant. We just need you, just listen, be there for us to cry on your shoulder. Come over with a bottle of wine and some ice cream, even better bring frosé, that is all we need right now. We’ve already googled the crap out of every situation and symptom. Also as much as our fertility journey is all consuming for us, that doesn’t mean we want to talk about it 24/7, or have to re-explain each new thing to every person. Sometimes we just want to pretend that nothing is wrong and that we are normal.

If you don’t know what to say, just say you are there for us, and then be there. The last thing we need is our friend to walk out when the going gets tough for us. Check in on us, reach out and invite us for dinner or happy hour. We kinda go hiding in a hole, even if we seem super happy all over social media, that doesn’t mean our hearts aren’t breaking. Especially for me whose job is on social media, I have an emotional roller coaster daily. Don’t get me wrong I love seeing all the baby pictures but sometimes pregnancy announcements get to me, especially if I just suffered a loss, a negative pregnancy test, or other issues that I am enduring.

Somedays I don’t want to talk about it, other days I am talking about it all day. I will never turn away a DM/ email/ text from a fellow TTC girl because I understand just what she is going through, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need a break, or would love to just talk about anything else in the world than my damn uterus.

And believe me, if and when we do have good news we can’t wait to share it all with you!

I hope this helped people who are not struggling to understand what girls like me who are struggling with fertility issues of how these questions sound to us. Also if you are struggling and need a friend to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out. You can contact me via e-mail or through instagram. I’m here for you girl, we are in the trenches together.